Hello again blogworld! I hope you are all happy and well out there. It's been over a year since my last post, but I just thought I would share a piece of news for anyone out there who remembers the story of my dates with another blogger: LB and I got married last month.
It was a very low-key and small-scale wedding (unfortunately no room for a blogger table despite some cheeky requests in comments on our early dating posts!) but it was a really nice day shared with a few close friends and family members. We actually read out a few of our blog posts from early 2011 to give people the officially-recorded story of how we met! It's cool in a way that it's immortalised on the internet like that.
Thanks again to everyone who was involved in those early dating posts - it's still a lovely how-we-met story to have! And I apologise for destroying LB's wonderful blog by snatching her off the dating market, but I'm very glad that I did! Except when she urges me to eat vegetables.
Saturday, 26 October 2013
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Summary Of My Dating History
I've been reading some new blogs recently - it's the first time in a while that I've sought out new blogs to add to my Reader. It's very cool having new posts arriving more frequently to read! When I read an interesting recent post on a blog where I'm not familiar with the back-story, I find it tempting to try to read lots of previous posts so that I'll understand the context better. Occasionally I've read entire blogs to catch up with the present, although of course this can be time-consuming!
It got me to thinking: if somebody chanced on my blog, how easy or difficult would it be to piece together my history? As I've always thought of this as a dating blog, I thought it might be interesting to write a brief history of my dating life, so here goes:
1979: Born.
1980-81: Learning to talk, but not yet familiar with terms like Girl, Date or Emotional Co-Dependency.
1982-85: Apparently I was a bit of a ladies' man at this age. I had female friends and a cool haircut and I've even seen a photo where I'm wearing a red sleeveless top and look like I'm auditioning for Baywatch.
1986-89: Girls are yuck. Also, by this point I clearly do not resemble David Hasselhoff.
1990-91: Most girls are yuck, but there's one who I like seeing and being around. Not going to tell her though.
1992-93: Maybe quite a few girls aren't yuck. Especially another one in particular. Also not going to tell her. Some of my friends seem to be making progress ahead of me.
1994-95: Whoops - I was very wrong about girls ever being yuck. Girls are very interesting. There are lots of cute ones at my school. I have no idea how to interact with them. Some guys do seem to know how. Bastards.
1996: Major crush. Current plan: don't chase any girl apart from her. Also: don't chase her. Poor plan.
1997-98: Start university. Even more good-looking young women. Even a few female friends. But still not learning the art of the chase. Increasing feeling that I'm becoming a grown-up in all areas other than this one.
1999-2000: Manage to tell a few women that I think they're good-looking. Not reciprocated so far, but still an important step to have made.
2001: Progress somehow stalls, partly due to working night shifts in random post-uni job.
2002: Push myself to try online dating. Good idea. Go on a few dates. Mixed experiences, but experiences nonetheless.
2003: More online dates either side of an on-again-off-again relationship - my first, and definitely another mixed but valuable experience.
2004: New relationship with someone met offline. Gets off to great start.
2005-09: Initially great relationship unfortunately descends through good to mixed to difficult to daily struggle.
2010: Relationship ends. Stuck living together for six months afterwards until house sold. Thoroughly tough year.
2011-12: Accept challenge of date with another dating blogger. Good date leads to more good dates and relationship with said blogger - happily still ongoing.
It got me to thinking: if somebody chanced on my blog, how easy or difficult would it be to piece together my history? As I've always thought of this as a dating blog, I thought it might be interesting to write a brief history of my dating life, so here goes:
1979: Born.
1980-81: Learning to talk, but not yet familiar with terms like Girl, Date or Emotional Co-Dependency.
1982-85: Apparently I was a bit of a ladies' man at this age. I had female friends and a cool haircut and I've even seen a photo where I'm wearing a red sleeveless top and look like I'm auditioning for Baywatch.
1986-89: Girls are yuck. Also, by this point I clearly do not resemble David Hasselhoff.
1990-91: Most girls are yuck, but there's one who I like seeing and being around. Not going to tell her though.
1992-93: Maybe quite a few girls aren't yuck. Especially another one in particular. Also not going to tell her. Some of my friends seem to be making progress ahead of me.
1994-95: Whoops - I was very wrong about girls ever being yuck. Girls are very interesting. There are lots of cute ones at my school. I have no idea how to interact with them. Some guys do seem to know how. Bastards.
1996: Major crush. Current plan: don't chase any girl apart from her. Also: don't chase her. Poor plan.
1997-98: Start university. Even more good-looking young women. Even a few female friends. But still not learning the art of the chase. Increasing feeling that I'm becoming a grown-up in all areas other than this one.
1999-2000: Manage to tell a few women that I think they're good-looking. Not reciprocated so far, but still an important step to have made.
2001: Progress somehow stalls, partly due to working night shifts in random post-uni job.
2002: Push myself to try online dating. Good idea. Go on a few dates. Mixed experiences, but experiences nonetheless.
2003: More online dates either side of an on-again-off-again relationship - my first, and definitely another mixed but valuable experience.
2004: New relationship with someone met offline. Gets off to great start.
2005-09: Initially great relationship unfortunately descends through good to mixed to difficult to daily struggle.
2010: Relationship ends. Stuck living together for six months afterwards until house sold. Thoroughly tough year.
2011-12: Accept challenge of date with another dating blogger. Good date leads to more good dates and relationship with said blogger - happily still ongoing.
Friday, 17 August 2012
Brief Update
Well, my "final post" was eight months ago, and really I'd just about stopped writing posts eight months before that, but so far I've never quite stopped reading blog posts. After all, that was how my time in blogworld started, and I really liked the corner of it which I happened to land in. So I thought I'd post a brief update of how things are going for me.
18 months on from our blogger-meets-blogger date, things are still going well with LB, which is great. She was stuck in the USA for a while in early 2012, which wasn't so great, but happily she's been back here in London for several months. I've been sharing a flat with her and her two cats, who are mostly nice and occasionally nuts. One of them used to hiss and swipe at me when I walked past, but now follows me around trying to get petted. The other one has recently taken to eating his own puke. Maybe his cat food tastes better second time around.
Other things in my life are going OK too, but this blog was rarely about those things anyway - it was always intended to be a dating blog, but does an eighteen-month relationship still count as dating? It certainly doesn't provide the same kind of blogging material as messy dating experiences like slow fades, sudden disappearances, wildly inaccurate dating photos and pregnancy hoaxes - but that's probably a good thing.
I've been doing a bit more blog reading recently and it's great to see that some of my old favourite blogs are still going strong, such as Simply Solo, Just Saying, thoughts simply arise, My Dating Hangovers and Something She Dated. Maybe I can find some new favourites out there too! But it's sad to see no more posts from others like how very lucky to be a girl, snafu and International Woman Of Mystery. And what ever happened to that other awesome blog I used to read avidly - something to do with life beginning at thirty?
18 months on from our blogger-meets-blogger date, things are still going well with LB, which is great. She was stuck in the USA for a while in early 2012, which wasn't so great, but happily she's been back here in London for several months. I've been sharing a flat with her and her two cats, who are mostly nice and occasionally nuts. One of them used to hiss and swipe at me when I walked past, but now follows me around trying to get petted. The other one has recently taken to eating his own puke. Maybe his cat food tastes better second time around.
Other things in my life are going OK too, but this blog was rarely about those things anyway - it was always intended to be a dating blog, but does an eighteen-month relationship still count as dating? It certainly doesn't provide the same kind of blogging material as messy dating experiences like slow fades, sudden disappearances, wildly inaccurate dating photos and pregnancy hoaxes - but that's probably a good thing.
I've been doing a bit more blog reading recently and it's great to see that some of my old favourite blogs are still going strong, such as Simply Solo, Just Saying, thoughts simply arise, My Dating Hangovers and Something She Dated. Maybe I can find some new favourites out there too! But it's sad to see no more posts from others like how very lucky to be a girl, snafu and International Woman Of Mystery. And what ever happened to that other awesome blog I used to read avidly - something to do with life beginning at thirty?
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Final post (probably)
I've been aware for a while that my previous blog post started with the following paragraph:
"Wow - three months since my last post? Time just goes faster and faster! I never wanted to be someone who stopped blogging completely without signing off somehow. With that in mind, I guess I'm saying that this isn't my last post either."
Well, now it's been another five months, and I've been wondering for a while whether to write an official "last post" but haven't managed to do it. In fact, I've been wondering "why did I write that paragraph? That means I have to write another post but I don't feel like it!" I am still reading some blogs, and very occasionally I even manage to write a comment, but I haven't felt any kind of urge to actually write any more blog material myself. I don't know whether that might happen at some point in the future, but let's call this my last post unless and until the urge returns.
I'd like to say a big thank you again to everyone who has read and commented on my blog. Looking back on it, I don't think I've had even one single negative experience with it (I even once tried to lock horns with an abusive commenter on a different blog and invited him to mine, to no avail.) I'm really glad that I stumbled into this corner of blogworld - not only did it introduce me to LB (it makes a great how-did-you-two-meet story in the real world!) but also I've read many very engaging and entertaining blogs for over a year now, and for the moment I plan to continue to check in. So it's not goodbye to blogworld as a whole - just to the post-writing part.
Wishing much peace, love and happiness to everyone!
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Blogger Date: Untold Stories
It's been nearly three months now since my first date with Life Begins at 30ty (maybe it's time I started calling her LB for short!) and a lot of the time now it's easy to forget that before that point we were blogger friends who had never met. It's also interesting to look back at my posts about our first date and to see what I wrote but also what I didn't write. Here are a few things which I was self-conscious about sharing at the time:
1) I really did also have a date arranged with a speed dater - according to my stats page, my most popular post ever is Confession Time, which started with my pretending to have cut short my first date with LB to go on another date on the same evening. She had actually suggested the idea for starting the post in that way, but her suggestion initially gave me a shock because, unbeknownst to her, some of it was true! I hadn't double-booked the evening, but I really had been in contact with someone from my speed dating night and was due to go on a first date with her as well. That date was to be a few days after my blogger date with LB, but no exact time or place had been agreed and the speed-dater's emails had become more and more vague and infrequent. After having a great first date with LB and setting up a second one, I realised that I didn't feel like meeting the speed-dater any more, so I cancelled our provisional date and decided not to look for any other dates while seeing where things might go with LB.
2) I was nervous - I was feeling pretty bold when I wrote the comment on her blog asking her on a date, but somehow a couple of days later I started feeling really nervous about the idea. I was trying to rationalise myself through it, but I still had a knot in my stomach at times. This intensified when we agreed on the date of our date, partly as at that point it was only two days away. I then relaxed somewhat on the day before the date until something brought the nerves back:
3) My thoughts on seeing her photos - by coincidence, I'd already seen a photo of her before she invited volunteers for a blogger date - she kind of challenged me to find her online dating profile and I'd managed to do so. Her photo wasn't incredibly clear - it was more of an action shot and was in black-and-white - but she looked cute and friendly and approachable. Then in the run-up to our date she mentioned that she'd changed her profile and photo. At first I didn't look because I thought I'd probably internet-stalked her enough already by finding her profile in the first place! But on the day before our date I decided to look, in order to be more certain of recognising her. Her new photo was much clearer and my reaction - possibly out loud - was "Oh holy hell - she's smoking hot!" Not that I was complaining - but this did bring the nerves back!
Thankfully, while getting ready and making my way to our date, my mind managed to talk my stomach into co-operation. My internal monologue went something like this: "OK, so you're about to go on your first proper first-date in nearly seven years... she seems very cool and she happens to be very hot... funny how life works out sometimes, but let's just go with it and see how it turns out!" And so far how it's turned out is: I'm a lucky guy.
Monday, 14 March 2011
Ten Reasons Why Dating Lifebeginsat30ty Is Awesome
Over these past few weeks I've been mulling over what to write about on this blog at this point. You see, much of the blog so far has been dedicated to past dating stories which often ranged from awkward to disastrous. I never really had a plan for what I might do when I ran out of these stories.
In fact, I'd kind of assumed that I might be about to generate more of them. I was planning to rejoin the world of online dating, hoping to click with someone but accepting that the law of averages would probably result in some more mismatches and mishaps as part of that journey. I wasn't about to seek out unsuccessful dates for blogging purposes but I figured that they would be coming my way anyway.
Well, I've been on plenty of dates recently, but far from being disastrous they've all been really great. I attribute this to the fact that they've all been with Life Begins at 30ty and dating her is awesome, for these ten reasons and more:
1. She's smart and interesting to talk to;
2. She's funny and fun to be with;
3. Two other bloggers have already commented that she's beautiful - they're right;
4. ...and when I tell her this she gets embarrassed, and when she's embarrassed she looks sooo cute;
5. After I mentioned that one of my hobbies is eating, I think our first eight dates all involved going to a restaurant at some stage - and she's never complained about sitting and watching me eat for ages after she's finished!
6. She puts energy into being warm and friendly towards so many people, no matter whether they're a quirky waiter or the owner of a gigantic dog;
7. She's easygoing and unfazed by potential stumbling blocks like turning up to different bars for our first date or ending up on a certain midnight stroll;
8. (To the tune/beat of Milkshake by Kelis):
Her blog posts bring all the readers online
'Cause her blog... is better than mine
Damn right... it's better than mine
She could teach me... I can't make this rhyme...
9. The time just flies by when I'm with her and the end of each rendezvous feels like it has arrived too quickly;
10. When we had our first full-on kiss a thought flashed through my head: If I could be anywhere in the world doing anything at this moment, I'd want to be right here, right now. Happily that feeling has since revisited me often.
In fact, I'd kind of assumed that I might be about to generate more of them. I was planning to rejoin the world of online dating, hoping to click with someone but accepting that the law of averages would probably result in some more mismatches and mishaps as part of that journey. I wasn't about to seek out unsuccessful dates for blogging purposes but I figured that they would be coming my way anyway.
Well, I've been on plenty of dates recently, but far from being disastrous they've all been really great. I attribute this to the fact that they've all been with Life Begins at 30ty and dating her is awesome, for these ten reasons and more:
1. She's smart and interesting to talk to;
2. She's funny and fun to be with;
3. Two other bloggers have already commented that she's beautiful - they're right;
4. ...and when I tell her this she gets embarrassed, and when she's embarrassed she looks sooo cute;
5. After I mentioned that one of my hobbies is eating, I think our first eight dates all involved going to a restaurant at some stage - and she's never complained about sitting and watching me eat for ages after she's finished!
6. She puts energy into being warm and friendly towards so many people, no matter whether they're a quirky waiter or the owner of a gigantic dog;
7. She's easygoing and unfazed by potential stumbling blocks like turning up to different bars for our first date or ending up on a certain midnight stroll;
8. (To the tune/beat of Milkshake by Kelis):
Her blog posts bring all the readers online
'Cause her blog... is better than mine
Damn right... it's better than mine
She could teach me... I can't make this rhyme...
9. The time just flies by when I'm with her and the end of each rendezvous feels like it has arrived too quickly;
10. When we had our first full-on kiss a thought flashed through my head: If I could be anywhere in the world doing anything at this moment, I'd want to be right here, right now. Happily that feeling has since revisited me often.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Stylish Blogger Award
Just Saying has very kindly nominated me for the Stylish Blogger Award - thank you very much!
Now about this award; being a recipient of the Stylish Blogger Award is a great exercise in fun and mutual back-scratching. Of course, as with any of these blog awards, there are rules. The “rules” that come along with this award designation are (1) I must divulge seven things about myself, and then (2) pay the Stylish Blogger Award forward to about seven other blogs.
7 random things about me:
1. I can count on one hand the number of cups of tea and coffee I've consumed in my life.
2. For its first couple of hours of existence, my blog was called "Matt79's Blog" - then I realised that I had to be able to come up with a name less lame than that.
3. At different times in the past I've been MVP on a chess team, a pool team and a bowling team - although I'm not too great at bowling any more!
4. I have a great memory for dates and numbers (I used to memorise credit card numbers as a party trick) but really struggle with recalling visual details like colours - I'm not sure what colour my own front door is!
5. I have a paranoid feeling that when I start regularly buying a specific food product it often gets discontinued soon afterwards. I must have unusual tastes - that would also explain why my favourite restaurant shut down after a string of terrible reviews.
6. Once when I was a kid and going on an international flight I packed a metal cap gun in my checked luggage. This turned out to be unwise.
7. In 2008 I got a bit carried away with going to the cinema: I saw 123 movies that year, including 33 in one month - and 8 in one day.
I'm going to pass this award on to seven blogs which I've never previously nominated or been nominated by:
today is my birthday!
This One Time on Match.com
Tales from the Tower
Lost Looking For Fish
Inside The Nice Guy
From the head of The Danaconda
After I Quit My Day Job
Now about this award; being a recipient of the Stylish Blogger Award is a great exercise in fun and mutual back-scratching. Of course, as with any of these blog awards, there are rules. The “rules” that come along with this award designation are (1) I must divulge seven things about myself, and then (2) pay the Stylish Blogger Award forward to about seven other blogs.
7 random things about me:
1. I can count on one hand the number of cups of tea and coffee I've consumed in my life.
2. For its first couple of hours of existence, my blog was called "Matt79's Blog" - then I realised that I had to be able to come up with a name less lame than that.
3. At different times in the past I've been MVP on a chess team, a pool team and a bowling team - although I'm not too great at bowling any more!
4. I have a great memory for dates and numbers (I used to memorise credit card numbers as a party trick) but really struggle with recalling visual details like colours - I'm not sure what colour my own front door is!
5. I have a paranoid feeling that when I start regularly buying a specific food product it often gets discontinued soon afterwards. I must have unusual tastes - that would also explain why my favourite restaurant shut down after a string of terrible reviews.
6. Once when I was a kid and going on an international flight I packed a metal cap gun in my checked luggage. This turned out to be unwise.
7. In 2008 I got a bit carried away with going to the cinema: I saw 123 movies that year, including 33 in one month - and 8 in one day.
I'm going to pass this award on to seven blogs which I've never previously nominated or been nominated by:
today is my birthday!
This One Time on Match.com
Tales from the Tower
Lost Looking For Fish
Inside The Nice Guy
From the head of The Danaconda
After I Quit My Day Job
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Blog Award
Massive thanks to Pretty Young Thing for passing the following blog award on to me - I'm flattered! Check out her fabulous blog Daterview if you haven't already - great stories including making the most of being ill in hospital by chatting up a good-looking member of staff and subsequently Facebooking him! Plus she has one of the coolest blogger profile pictures I've seen - that's what I call eye-catching lipstick. Thank you for the award!
This award doesn't come for free though - it comes with a ten-question survey as follows:
1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy about doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish that you had started out anonymously, so you could be anonymous now?
I guess my blog is somewhat anonymous, but my name really is Matt and I really was born in 1979, so I'm not trying to disguise myself. If I were starting a blog now I might actually be less anonymous but I was in a different frame of mind last summer and I've just stuck with the habit since then.
2. Describe an incident that shows your stubborn side.
I have this thing about not wanting to let food go to waste and at times I've taken it too far. I remember one particular incident a few years back - I'd ordered way too much at a restaurant but carried on eating after hitting the point of being uncomfortably full for about half an hour. My insides took a while to forgive me for that one.
3.What do you see when you really look into the mirror?
Depends on the time of day - in the mornings I'm particularly likely to see someone with crazy hair, although this can happen at any time and lead me to wonder "Wow - when did I last look in the mirror before this?"
4. What is your favorite cold summer drink?
Water. I actually get told that I drink too much water. When I was in hospital last year I had this conversation with a doctor:
Me: How much water should I be drinking at the moment?
Doctor: As much as you want - it'll all help.
Me: OK, but I thought there might be like a maximum amount?
Doctor: No, go ahead and drink as much as you like.
Me: 'Cause like a few years ago I used to drink about six litres (13 US pints) per day and I just wondered-
Doctor: SIX LITRES? No, that's too much, you shouldn't do that.
Me (thinking): But you just said...
5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
In recent months one answer has to be: read blogs! I think we're talking many hundreds of hours by now. Also go to the gym, see friends, watch films, eat (see Q2), drink water (see Q4)...
6. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life?
Generally I'm not someone who focuses a lot on future goals - I tend to think more about how I'd like to spend the present time.
7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?
I was an academic overachiever but wasn't very involved in other school activities. Towards the end I started ditching more but to be honest I think they let me get away with it as long as my test scores stayed high.
8. If you closed your eyes and wanted to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?
Some years ago I was in a car crash which for a moment I thought might be Game Over - I was incredibly lucky to walk away and in some ways I've looked at things differently ever since.
9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?
I'm quite aware that I've only shared certain areas of my life on here - I started the blog to give back some dating stories after reading so many and I've mainly thought of the blog as being about dating rather than about me as a whole.
10. If you had a choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?
At the moment I don't spend much time doing either, but I guess I spend more time on the phone so I'll go with that.
The next instruction is to pass this award on to bloggers you think are fantastic. I've only just realised that it doesn't specifically say how many bloggers to nominate, but previous recipients seem to be going with three so I'll follow suit:
Lifebeginsat30ty at Life Begins at 30ty - she was also top of my shout-out list the first time I received a blog award - at that time, as well as having a very engaging past-present-shifting blog, she had very kindly commented on more than two-thirds of my posts. Her blog has remained awesome and, of course, the last few weeks have given me even more inclination to list her first again...
Caleb at The Blog Experiment - Caleb and I first met as Good Cop Bad Cop commenters on the blog which started my whole blogosphere journey. He's full of wit and charisma and brains too - watch out world!
Pupa at just like your mama used to make it - she has recently started her blog but got hooked on some of the same dating blogs as I did last year and has been inspired to write exactly the kind of blog which grabbed us both - lots of well-written online dating posts. Hopefully there are lots more to come!
I could happily nominate lots more great blogs, including the other nine from my first award - most are still going and I hope that the others are coming back too!
This award doesn't come for free though - it comes with a ten-question survey as follows:
1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy about doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish that you had started out anonymously, so you could be anonymous now?
I guess my blog is somewhat anonymous, but my name really is Matt and I really was born in 1979, so I'm not trying to disguise myself. If I were starting a blog now I might actually be less anonymous but I was in a different frame of mind last summer and I've just stuck with the habit since then.
2. Describe an incident that shows your stubborn side.
I have this thing about not wanting to let food go to waste and at times I've taken it too far. I remember one particular incident a few years back - I'd ordered way too much at a restaurant but carried on eating after hitting the point of being uncomfortably full for about half an hour. My insides took a while to forgive me for that one.
3.What do you see when you really look into the mirror?
Depends on the time of day - in the mornings I'm particularly likely to see someone with crazy hair, although this can happen at any time and lead me to wonder "Wow - when did I last look in the mirror before this?"
4. What is your favorite cold summer drink?
Water. I actually get told that I drink too much water. When I was in hospital last year I had this conversation with a doctor:
Me: How much water should I be drinking at the moment?
Doctor: As much as you want - it'll all help.
Me: OK, but I thought there might be like a maximum amount?
Doctor: No, go ahead and drink as much as you like.
Me: 'Cause like a few years ago I used to drink about six litres (13 US pints) per day and I just wondered-
Doctor: SIX LITRES? No, that's too much, you shouldn't do that.
Me (thinking): But you just said...
5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
In recent months one answer has to be: read blogs! I think we're talking many hundreds of hours by now. Also go to the gym, see friends, watch films, eat (see Q2), drink water (see Q4)...
6. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life?
Generally I'm not someone who focuses a lot on future goals - I tend to think more about how I'd like to spend the present time.
7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?
I was an academic overachiever but wasn't very involved in other school activities. Towards the end I started ditching more but to be honest I think they let me get away with it as long as my test scores stayed high.
8. If you closed your eyes and wanted to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?
Some years ago I was in a car crash which for a moment I thought might be Game Over - I was incredibly lucky to walk away and in some ways I've looked at things differently ever since.
9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?
I'm quite aware that I've only shared certain areas of my life on here - I started the blog to give back some dating stories after reading so many and I've mainly thought of the blog as being about dating rather than about me as a whole.
10. If you had a choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?
At the moment I don't spend much time doing either, but I guess I spend more time on the phone so I'll go with that.
The next instruction is to pass this award on to bloggers you think are fantastic. I've only just realised that it doesn't specifically say how many bloggers to nominate, but previous recipients seem to be going with three so I'll follow suit:
Lifebeginsat30ty at Life Begins at 30ty - she was also top of my shout-out list the first time I received a blog award - at that time, as well as having a very engaging past-present-shifting blog, she had very kindly commented on more than two-thirds of my posts. Her blog has remained awesome and, of course, the last few weeks have given me even more inclination to list her first again...
Caleb at The Blog Experiment - Caleb and I first met as Good Cop Bad Cop commenters on the blog which started my whole blogosphere journey. He's full of wit and charisma and brains too - watch out world!
Pupa at just like your mama used to make it - she has recently started her blog but got hooked on some of the same dating blogs as I did last year and has been inspired to write exactly the kind of blog which grabbed us both - lots of well-written online dating posts. Hopefully there are lots more to come!
I could happily nominate lots more great blogs, including the other nine from my first award - most are still going and I hope that the others are coming back too!
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Tongue-tied
So, as some of you rightly noted when commenting on my previous post, I've been getting a bit tongue-tied on here recently. Successive posts have been growing shorter and less detailed. Not only that: I used to reply individually to every comment I received - I've really let things slide on that front!
There are two principal reasons for this. One I've already written about in an earlier post - I've become increasingly aware that writing in detail about present-day events involving other people (such as dates) wasn't going to work for me. I'm very much into honesty and I know that if I dated someone who then asked whether I had a blog, I would be straight with them, and they'd probably end up reading it. Therefore I wouldn't want to write anything which might seem like oversharing or an invasion of privacy - theirs or mine. I knew that I'd be likely to err on the side of caution in this regard, and sure enough I certainly have been!
I've very much enjoyed reading lots of dating blogs which don't follow these restrictions, so I hope this doesn't seem hypocritical of me. I'm not trying to say that there's anything wrong with anybody else's way of doing things - just that I have my own individual way of doing things and I need to honour that.
Secondly, and more to the point: my recent dates have of course been with someone who already reads my blog! In the beginning this was the whole point - Life Begins at 30ty and I went on a blogger-date and wrote about our experiences. But since then (as you'll know if you've read her recent post) we've continued to date each other. With each date I've realised more and more that I don't want to be blog-dating her - I want to be dating her. Thus I've been feeling more than a little self-conscious when writing recent posts.
While I was mulling these things over, she wrote a post expressing somewhat similar thoughts but in a far more eloquent way than I feel I'm managing - well, she was already one of my favourite bloggers after all! She also mentioned our pub quiz date (I had an unfair advantage with the numerous British sports questions, but she still knew more about Queen Victoria than me!) and our restaurant-and-river-walk date (complete with photo featuring the free light sabres which the restaurant kindly gave us!) and that we'd made plans to go to the cinema this weekend (I can exclusively reveal that we settled on watching just one film rather than trying to surpass my day record of eight!)
Hmm... I'm getting blogger's block again while trying to write the end of a post on blogger's block! Well, I wanted to say thanks again to you all for your encouraging and enthusiastic comments despite my lack of post details and comment replies - I really do appreciate them!
There are two principal reasons for this. One I've already written about in an earlier post - I've become increasingly aware that writing in detail about present-day events involving other people (such as dates) wasn't going to work for me. I'm very much into honesty and I know that if I dated someone who then asked whether I had a blog, I would be straight with them, and they'd probably end up reading it. Therefore I wouldn't want to write anything which might seem like oversharing or an invasion of privacy - theirs or mine. I knew that I'd be likely to err on the side of caution in this regard, and sure enough I certainly have been!
I've very much enjoyed reading lots of dating blogs which don't follow these restrictions, so I hope this doesn't seem hypocritical of me. I'm not trying to say that there's anything wrong with anybody else's way of doing things - just that I have my own individual way of doing things and I need to honour that.
Secondly, and more to the point: my recent dates have of course been with someone who already reads my blog! In the beginning this was the whole point - Life Begins at 30ty and I went on a blogger-date and wrote about our experiences. But since then (as you'll know if you've read her recent post) we've continued to date each other. With each date I've realised more and more that I don't want to be blog-dating her - I want to be dating her. Thus I've been feeling more than a little self-conscious when writing recent posts.
While I was mulling these things over, she wrote a post expressing somewhat similar thoughts but in a far more eloquent way than I feel I'm managing - well, she was already one of my favourite bloggers after all! She also mentioned our pub quiz date (I had an unfair advantage with the numerous British sports questions, but she still knew more about Queen Victoria than me!) and our restaurant-and-river-walk date (complete with photo featuring the free light sabres which the restaurant kindly gave us!) and that we'd made plans to go to the cinema this weekend (I can exclusively reveal that we settled on watching just one film rather than trying to surpass my day record of eight!)
Hmm... I'm getting blogger's block again while trying to write the end of a post on blogger's block! Well, I wanted to say thanks again to you all for your encouraging and enthusiastic comments despite my lack of post details and comment replies - I really do appreciate them!
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
Blogger Date: The Sequel
For our second date, Life Begins at 30ty and I had decided to go bowling. This had actually been one of her suggestions for our challenge-theme first date, but I'd felt it only fair to warn her that I was on a bowling team a few years ago. Not one to be daunted by this - or by anything else these days! - she stepped up to take me on this time.
...and proceeded to soundly beat me! I got my comeuppance for my big talking! She even had the kindness to make me feel knowledgeable by asking me for bowling tips, even though at that point I was clearly struggling to stay out of the gutters. She's a good winner and I got to show that I wasn't a bad loser - or I hope that's what I showed! We then had a second game in which I managed to redeem myself a little, so we called it a draw (tie?) overall.
After finishing our drinks while watching little kids almost throwing themselves down the lanes with their bowling balls, we left to find something to eat. We went to a great pancake place which I'd never been to before - in fact I've generally only eaten small sweet pancakes so it was interesting to be presented with a massive savoury one big enough to be a meal in itself! We chatted and ate and chatted.
At this point I have to make a complaint about this date. In fact, about both of our dates. The time goes by way too quickly! I couldn't believe that more than three hours had already flashed past when I first looked at the clock on my phone. I don't think either of us wanted our talking to end but we both understood that we had work weeks to start the next morning so eventually we got the bill (maybe the staff didn't want us to go either!) and the end of the date was nigh.
Hmm, I'm reading back over this post and it seems rather brief. Blog readers, I'll level with you: I'm finding blog date blogging to be trickier than I'd anticipated! Maybe this is because I'm more accustomed to writing about dates from many years ago rather than current events. Maybe it's because I don't want to hog the storytelling while my co-dater has other exciting tales to share from earlier in her weekend before getting the chance to write her version. Or maybe it's because my main thought as I write this is: I definitely want to see her again...
...and proceeded to soundly beat me! I got my comeuppance for my big talking! She even had the kindness to make me feel knowledgeable by asking me for bowling tips, even though at that point I was clearly struggling to stay out of the gutters. She's a good winner and I got to show that I wasn't a bad loser - or I hope that's what I showed! We then had a second game in which I managed to redeem myself a little, so we called it a draw (tie?) overall.
After finishing our drinks while watching little kids almost throwing themselves down the lanes with their bowling balls, we left to find something to eat. We went to a great pancake place which I'd never been to before - in fact I've generally only eaten small sweet pancakes so it was interesting to be presented with a massive savoury one big enough to be a meal in itself! We chatted and ate and chatted.
At this point I have to make a complaint about this date. In fact, about both of our dates. The time goes by way too quickly! I couldn't believe that more than three hours had already flashed past when I first looked at the clock on my phone. I don't think either of us wanted our talking to end but we both understood that we had work weeks to start the next morning so eventually we got the bill (maybe the staff didn't want us to go either!) and the end of the date was nigh.
Hmm, I'm reading back over this post and it seems rather brief. Blog readers, I'll level with you: I'm finding blog date blogging to be trickier than I'd anticipated! Maybe this is because I'm more accustomed to writing about dates from many years ago rather than current events. Maybe it's because I don't want to hog the storytelling while my co-dater has other exciting tales to share from earlier in her weekend before getting the chance to write her version. Or maybe it's because my main thought as I write this is: I definitely want to see her again...
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Blogger Date: Part 2-and-a-bit
Depending on whether you read much of my previous post without giving up in disgust, you'll know either that I turned out to be a double-booking blog-date traitor, or that I actually had an enjoyably long evening with Life Begins at 30ty and was granted a time extension by a bus driver with a penchant for the accelerator pedal.
Only a brief time extension though: the schedule predicted that another bus would arrive in ten minutes so we stayed at the bus stop chatting some more. Sure enough it soon swung into view and it was time to say goodnight.
After watching her board a near-empty bus I walked around the corner to my bus stop and was somewhat surprised to find that it was swamped by a throng of desperate would-be passengers. My bus arrived soon after and I joined in the scrum for the door. Somewhere behind me a guy was shouting "Oi, get over here, we're gonna miss the bus - don't you walk away from me!" and several of us turned expecting to see a drunken couple arguing, but it turned out that he was talking to his dog. He then appeared next to me and said something incoherent to the woman in front of me, then randomly asked me if she was my "bird." I shook my head and looked bemused.
I squeezed onto the packed bus as our obligatory eccentric night bus companion hoisted his dog onto the luggage rack. This achievement seemed to settle them both down and the bus eventually crawled away from the stop and set off on its route. It wasn't the smoothest of journeys, but I didn't mind because I was smiling about the evening I'd had.
So, will there be any further updates? Hopefully you've all read Life Begins at 30ty's latest post on our date, in which case you'll know this already: yes, we do have plans to meet up again (and no, I won't be double-booking the date!)
Only a brief time extension though: the schedule predicted that another bus would arrive in ten minutes so we stayed at the bus stop chatting some more. Sure enough it soon swung into view and it was time to say goodnight.
After watching her board a near-empty bus I walked around the corner to my bus stop and was somewhat surprised to find that it was swamped by a throng of desperate would-be passengers. My bus arrived soon after and I joined in the scrum for the door. Somewhere behind me a guy was shouting "Oi, get over here, we're gonna miss the bus - don't you walk away from me!" and several of us turned expecting to see a drunken couple arguing, but it turned out that he was talking to his dog. He then appeared next to me and said something incoherent to the woman in front of me, then randomly asked me if she was my "bird." I shook my head and looked bemused.
I squeezed onto the packed bus as our obligatory eccentric night bus companion hoisted his dog onto the luggage rack. This achievement seemed to settle them both down and the bus eventually crawled away from the stop and set off on its route. It wasn't the smoothest of journeys, but I didn't mind because I was smiling about the evening I'd had.
So, will there be any further updates? Hopefully you've all read Life Begins at 30ty's latest post on our date, in which case you'll know this already: yes, we do have plans to meet up again (and no, I won't be double-booking the date!)
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Confession Time
After an amusing mix-up at the start followed by enjoyable chatting, my evening with Life Begins at 30ty seemed like it might be reaching a natural end point. Our conversation was dwindling a little and this may have been mainly down to me. You see, I have a confession to make: I already knew that I couldn't stay for too long, because this was not to be my only date of the evening.
I thought that all had gone quiet on the speed dating front, but a few days ago I'd heard back from someone I'd liked at the New Year's Eve party and she wanted to meet up again. By unfortunate coincidence, her only free night to meet in the next couple of weeks was this past Friday. I'd already agreed my date with Life Begins at 30ty so it felt too late to rearrange it, but my speed date wanted to meet at 10pm anyway so I agreed. I hadn't counted on the delayed start to my blogger date, leaving me with less time, but I had no choice - I mentioned being tired and said a rather hurried goodbye, then rushed out to look for a cab.
Just kidding! I'd probably be barred from this corner of the blogosphere had I done that, and rightly so! I've never double-booked a date and I certainly wasn't about to start with our esteemed blog friend. It's true that our time in that bar came to an end at that point, but only because we decided to head out in search of a quieter place to talk.
We walked past several bars, each seemingly more busy and noisy than the last. Then good news: she asked if I was hungry. Now, I like eating whether I'm hungry or not, so this was a winning suggestion with me! I knew of a restaurant half a mile away so we walked there, only to find that it was just closing. I made another restaurant suggestion and on we went - I'm glad she'd mentioned to me that she likes walking through London!
The second restaurant was open and not busy, so chatting was much nicer as we ordered and ate our food. We had plenty more to find out about each other and I was enjoying doing so, which meant that the time went flying by again. By the time we'd finished our food and were preparing to leave I realised that we'd missed our last trains for the evening.
She again seemed undaunted by this and whipped out her phone to check out the night buses. She seems well on the road to being fear-free! Once she'd got her plans I walked her to her bus stop. As we approached the stop, her bus was already there. I jogged ahead to keep the bus from leaving, then we had a rushed goodbye as it waited. But just as we turned for her to get on the bus, it pulled away and took off. Evidently the driver decided that our evening was not to end just yet...
I thought that all had gone quiet on the speed dating front, but a few days ago I'd heard back from someone I'd liked at the New Year's Eve party and she wanted to meet up again. By unfortunate coincidence, her only free night to meet in the next couple of weeks was this past Friday. I'd already agreed my date with Life Begins at 30ty so it felt too late to rearrange it, but my speed date wanted to meet at 10pm anyway so I agreed. I hadn't counted on the delayed start to my blogger date, leaving me with less time, but I had no choice - I mentioned being tired and said a rather hurried goodbye, then rushed out to look for a cab.
Just kidding! I'd probably be barred from this corner of the blogosphere had I done that, and rightly so! I've never double-booked a date and I certainly wasn't about to start with our esteemed blog friend. It's true that our time in that bar came to an end at that point, but only because we decided to head out in search of a quieter place to talk.
We walked past several bars, each seemingly more busy and noisy than the last. Then good news: she asked if I was hungry. Now, I like eating whether I'm hungry or not, so this was a winning suggestion with me! I knew of a restaurant half a mile away so we walked there, only to find that it was just closing. I made another restaurant suggestion and on we went - I'm glad she'd mentioned to me that she likes walking through London!
The second restaurant was open and not busy, so chatting was much nicer as we ordered and ate our food. We had plenty more to find out about each other and I was enjoying doing so, which meant that the time went flying by again. By the time we'd finished our food and were preparing to leave I realised that we'd missed our last trains for the evening.
She again seemed undaunted by this and whipped out her phone to check out the night buses. She seems well on the road to being fear-free! Once she'd got her plans I walked her to her bus stop. As we approached the stop, her bus was already there. I jogged ahead to keep the bus from leaving, then we had a rushed goodbye as it waited. But just as we turned for her to get on the bus, it pulled away and took off. Evidently the driver decided that our evening was not to end just yet...
Saturday, 22 January 2011
Blogger Date: Part 1
I arrived slightly early at the bar for my date with Life Begins at 30ty. I had the impression that she might be a punctual person too and I briefly wondered whether she might even have beaten me there, but I could see no sign of her in the place. I was quite happy to be first there and also relieved that the bar wasn't as busy as I'd feared - I gladly grabbed a table just as two people left and I waited.
After maybe ten minutes I checked the time on my phone. Damn - missed a text from her. When my phone's in my pocket it's too quiet to hear and the vibrate facility is too weak to feel - I should know this by now! I assumed that she might have been delayed, but her text said that she'd arrived early too and was outside. Er... I can't see anyone outside through the windows. I got up and went to double-check (instantly losing the table to some eager bystanders) - nobody outside! Is she now inside looking for me? Had I somehow not seen her come in? I went back to stand at the bar and texted her back. Her reply confirmed what I was beginning to fear - we're at different bars! I thought this only happened in movies!
I started to text back and was promptly thrown another banana skin by my phone - if someone calls while I'm writing a text it instantly picks up but won't let me see who's calling. Great, I'm going to sound like a weirdo when I have to double-check that it's her! Luckily I had confirmation from her American accent, which of course I'd known to expect, but of course I've been reading her blog with my own inner monologue so it was still a bit disconcerting!
I offered to come to her bar but she wanted to come to mine and sounded very relaxed about the whole thing, which was good to hear. I waited inside looking out for a free table (but the place was filling up now) and presently she walked in. She looked just like her photos, which meant that she looked great, but in my rush to beat the crowds I neglected to tell her so and instead went straight into buying-drinks mode. We started to chat at the bar but the place was getting so busy that a guy was leaning between us ordering drinks! I glanced around in faint hope of a free table and miraculously there suddenly was one in the corner, so we quickly grabbed it.
At first we talked about blogging as I tried to make the connection that the person across from me was the writer of one of my most-read blogs. Then as we started to find out more about the unknown parts of each other's lives (jobs, growing up, other parts of our life histories) it was easy to lose sight of that fact, until once of us would mentioned something that a first date would never normally know and there'd be a moment of shock for the other - how do they know that? - and the memory kicked back in. A strange mix of not knowing someone and yet knowing them at the same time, of being on a date but also catching up with a seldom-seen friend.
From my point of view the time whizzed by as we chatted, but the bar was refusing to conform to my hope that the post-work drinkers would gradually empty out. Instead it seemed to get busier and louder. I was starting to find it more difficult to hear what she was saying and it felt like our chatting might be drawing to a close...
After maybe ten minutes I checked the time on my phone. Damn - missed a text from her. When my phone's in my pocket it's too quiet to hear and the vibrate facility is too weak to feel - I should know this by now! I assumed that she might have been delayed, but her text said that she'd arrived early too and was outside. Er... I can't see anyone outside through the windows. I got up and went to double-check (instantly losing the table to some eager bystanders) - nobody outside! Is she now inside looking for me? Had I somehow not seen her come in? I went back to stand at the bar and texted her back. Her reply confirmed what I was beginning to fear - we're at different bars! I thought this only happened in movies!
I started to text back and was promptly thrown another banana skin by my phone - if someone calls while I'm writing a text it instantly picks up but won't let me see who's calling. Great, I'm going to sound like a weirdo when I have to double-check that it's her! Luckily I had confirmation from her American accent, which of course I'd known to expect, but of course I've been reading her blog with my own inner monologue so it was still a bit disconcerting!
I offered to come to her bar but she wanted to come to mine and sounded very relaxed about the whole thing, which was good to hear. I waited inside looking out for a free table (but the place was filling up now) and presently she walked in. She looked just like her photos, which meant that she looked great, but in my rush to beat the crowds I neglected to tell her so and instead went straight into buying-drinks mode. We started to chat at the bar but the place was getting so busy that a guy was leaning between us ordering drinks! I glanced around in faint hope of a free table and miraculously there suddenly was one in the corner, so we quickly grabbed it.
At first we talked about blogging as I tried to make the connection that the person across from me was the writer of one of my most-read blogs. Then as we started to find out more about the unknown parts of each other's lives (jobs, growing up, other parts of our life histories) it was easy to lose sight of that fact, until once of us would mentioned something that a first date would never normally know and there'd be a moment of shock for the other - how do they know that? - and the memory kicked back in. A strange mix of not knowing someone and yet knowing them at the same time, of being on a date but also catching up with a seldom-seen friend.
From my point of view the time whizzed by as we chatted, but the bar was refusing to conform to my hope that the post-work drinkers would gradually empty out. Instead it seemed to get busier and louder. I was starting to find it more difficult to hear what she was saying and it felt like our chatting might be drawing to a close...
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
A Date With A Difference
Exciting news: I have a date with someone I met online! This is made even more exciting by the fact that I haven't even signed up to an online dating site yet! Instead, depending on your perspective, I've taken a leap into the unknown, embraced the spirit of new challenges - or crossed a line into forbidden territory... I've asked out another blogger.
The adventurous and brave Life Begins at 30ty made a New Year's resolution to face down her dating fears, beginning by Facebooking her neighbouring admirer from a recent flight. Being the enterprising go-getter that she is, she stormed to victory on that mission in less than a week and promptly set the next stage in motion - drawing up a list of ten dating challenges in ascending order of scariness.
She even went so far as to invite her readers to suggest what her challenges might be, and one particular reader (who I did not bribe - that's my story and I'm sticking to it!) suggested that she date another blogger and then both write about the experience. I must admit that as soon as I read that comment I started to ask myself: if she picked that item for the list, would I have the guts to volunteer? I liked to think so, but often it's easy to tell yourself these things if you don't have to test them out!
When the list was published I saw no sign of that item at first as I made my way through, but suddenly there it was at number 8 - bravery-testing time! After some thinking and then some psyching-myself-up I typed in a comment asking her out on a date. Sometimes after writing comments I come away with a good feeling about what I've written and other times I start to second-guess myself - I'm happy to report that this occasion was one of the former type.
I had good cause to be hopeful about the response which I might receive: item 3 on her list states that she must say yes to anyone who asks her out! However, I wouldn't want to give the impression that I only volunteered for the hell of it, or because my chances of a positive answer were good. Far from it...
The adventurous and brave Life Begins at 30ty made a New Year's resolution to face down her dating fears, beginning by Facebooking her neighbouring admirer from a recent flight. Being the enterprising go-getter that she is, she stormed to victory on that mission in less than a week and promptly set the next stage in motion - drawing up a list of ten dating challenges in ascending order of scariness.
She even went so far as to invite her readers to suggest what her challenges might be, and one particular reader (who I did not bribe - that's my story and I'm sticking to it!) suggested that she date another blogger and then both write about the experience. I must admit that as soon as I read that comment I started to ask myself: if she picked that item for the list, would I have the guts to volunteer? I liked to think so, but often it's easy to tell yourself these things if you don't have to test them out!
When the list was published I saw no sign of that item at first as I made my way through, but suddenly there it was at number 8 - bravery-testing time! After some thinking and then some psyching-myself-up I typed in a comment asking her out on a date. Sometimes after writing comments I come away with a good feeling about what I've written and other times I start to second-guess myself - I'm happy to report that this occasion was one of the former type.
I had good cause to be hopeful about the response which I might receive: item 3 on her list states that she must say yes to anyone who asks her out! However, I wouldn't want to give the impression that I only volunteered for the hell of it, or because my chances of a positive answer were good. Far from it...
Sunday, 9 January 2011
The Next Stage
So, the results of my night of speed dating are in. Although in a way they're not, because (and to be honest I feel a little cheated by this) we don't get to do the Yes/Friends/No tick thing. Apparently the fact that there were over 250 people at the party means that the organisers think we won't want to play the tick-box game. I was really looking forward to that bit! So now I can say that I went speed dating and got zero ticks - but then so did everybody else that night.
Instead of indicating that we'd like to see somebody again by ticking a box next to their name, the website is enabling us to send an email to anyone who was at the event. Upon finding this out my first thought was "Oh no - I don't want to have to write to them - can't I just tick Yes somehow?" Then I realised that this probably said something about my lack of successful connections on that evening - if I'd really liked someone then I guess maybe I wouldn't be intimidated by the thought of trying to think of something good to write to them! Hmm.
After a bit of procrastination I managed to talk myself into a more positive mindset and I wrote emails to nine of the women from the evening. Some of the messages sounded more like a "Yes" tick, others more like a "Friends" tick, and one woman I hadn't even met during the evening but just saw something amusing on her profile and wanted to comment.
Well, it's now been four days since I sent those messages and I've only received one reply - and that reply was a polite but unambiguous No. I haven't received any opening messages either. In fact, I can see that a sizable proportion of the women who were at the event don't even seem to have logged onto the website since the event! I guess the fact that there was plenty of time to mingle after the speed dating meant that people who really hit it off probably chatted more and just exchanged numbers at the event. Alternatively some people may just have gone home very disappointed and sworn off the whole thing!
So it wasn't a resounding success for me, but that's OK - onwards and upwards. In fact, this is a good time to mention my next venture. I've talked the talk for a while and now it's nearly time to walk the walk and return to the weird and wonderful world of Online Dating! I'm currently contemplating which site to sign up to - the leading contenders in my mind at the moment are: Plenty Of Fish; Match; Guardian Soulmates; eHarmony; OKCupid. Of course, if I find that one site isn't giving me enough prospects to sift through then I might sign up for more.
Of course, this won't be my first experience of online dating - most of my blog posts from July/August 2010 were about my online dating experiences of many years ago. Those dates weren't all wildly successful but they were beneficial learning experiences, and I've continued to learn about myself and the world in the intervening years, so I'm optimistic that good things will come from my return.
I've got another thing going for me this time as well: I've been lucky enough to have recently read a lot of awesome blogs, many of which are dating blogs (and I'm even more lucky to have some of you as readers too) - it's almost like online dating has been a hobby of mine in recent months even though I haven't actually been signed up! Again I feel like I've learned a lot, but at the same time I'm always happy to hear more advice. If you could give me one thing to remember as I upload my toe back into the water, what would it be?
Instead of indicating that we'd like to see somebody again by ticking a box next to their name, the website is enabling us to send an email to anyone who was at the event. Upon finding this out my first thought was "Oh no - I don't want to have to write to them - can't I just tick Yes somehow?" Then I realised that this probably said something about my lack of successful connections on that evening - if I'd really liked someone then I guess maybe I wouldn't be intimidated by the thought of trying to think of something good to write to them! Hmm.
After a bit of procrastination I managed to talk myself into a more positive mindset and I wrote emails to nine of the women from the evening. Some of the messages sounded more like a "Yes" tick, others more like a "Friends" tick, and one woman I hadn't even met during the evening but just saw something amusing on her profile and wanted to comment.
Well, it's now been four days since I sent those messages and I've only received one reply - and that reply was a polite but unambiguous No. I haven't received any opening messages either. In fact, I can see that a sizable proportion of the women who were at the event don't even seem to have logged onto the website since the event! I guess the fact that there was plenty of time to mingle after the speed dating meant that people who really hit it off probably chatted more and just exchanged numbers at the event. Alternatively some people may just have gone home very disappointed and sworn off the whole thing!
So it wasn't a resounding success for me, but that's OK - onwards and upwards. In fact, this is a good time to mention my next venture. I've talked the talk for a while and now it's nearly time to walk the walk and return to the weird and wonderful world of Online Dating! I'm currently contemplating which site to sign up to - the leading contenders in my mind at the moment are: Plenty Of Fish; Match; Guardian Soulmates; eHarmony; OKCupid. Of course, if I find that one site isn't giving me enough prospects to sift through then I might sign up for more.
Of course, this won't be my first experience of online dating - most of my blog posts from July/August 2010 were about my online dating experiences of many years ago. Those dates weren't all wildly successful but they were beneficial learning experiences, and I've continued to learn about myself and the world in the intervening years, so I'm optimistic that good things will come from my return.
I've got another thing going for me this time as well: I've been lucky enough to have recently read a lot of awesome blogs, many of which are dating blogs (and I'm even more lucky to have some of you as readers too) - it's almost like online dating has been a hobby of mine in recent months even though I haven't actually been signed up! Again I feel like I've learned a lot, but at the same time I'm always happy to hear more advice. If you could give me one thing to remember as I upload my toe back into the water, what would it be?
Monday, 3 January 2011
New Year's Eve Speed Dating Party
As previously mentioned, my lack of a plan for New Year's Eve combined with a timely conversation with a co-worker had culminated in my planning to spend the last evening of last year at a speed dating party. I'd never been speed dating before (I'd actually booked to go once, seven years ago, but I cancelled because I'd started dating someone before the event date arrived - quite a result!) and I'd been interested in trying it.
As I prepared to head out for the event I could feel that I was quite nervous. Had I still been getting nerves during my most recent first dates in early 2004? Can't remember. I felt calmer after imagining some funny scenarios for the evening in my head:
1) Remember how on the first day of school there's usually a kid crying and wanting to go home? We totally had one of those. OK, OK... it was me. They even let my dad stay for a while to help me overcome my fear. I imagined myself at the age of 31 running out of the speed dating session crying "I wanna go home!" - this thought helped me to put things in perspective!
2) ...or instead of running out I could have a tantrum on the floor. Hmm, might be messy - I'm a bit bigger now than when I was 5.
3) I tried to imagine questions which I might be asked on a speed date, then wondered how my date would react if I started answering with "er... pass." Somehow this seemed highly amusing to me when I first thought of it!
Having applied my dose of "what's the worst that could happen?" therapy, I headed off and arrived just before the start time of 7pm. I had images of queues snaking round the building (they were expecting 200-300 people and the actual speed dating parts of the night were first-come-first-served) but there were just three or four women waiting outside and no other men. I like these odds so far! I managed to start chatting and joking with the women, which isn't always something that comes easily to me, so it felt like I was off to a good start.
When 7pm arrived (along with a few men - d'oh!) we went inside to pick up our awaiting name badges (having previously filled in our details on the website) and to register for the speed dating sessions. I discovered that I'd misunderstood part of the brief description of the event. I thought that if the speed dating ran for three hours it meant that anyone who wanted to could speed-date for three hours. Not so. Their plan was to split the three hours into four sessions, with the assumption that each person would only be involved in one session. That's 45 minutes of speed dating in an event which runs for 8 hours!
The activity which would be running for the rest of the time would be a lock-and-key party - each woman was given a small padlock on a necklace, each man issued with a key, and the idea was to go around trying to find the lock which your key would open, or vice versa. Well, actually, the real idea was to use this activity as an icebreaker and then get to know people, but I'm sad to say that I lost sight of this for at least some of the evening and just wandered around asking to try my luck.
My speed dating session started at 8pm. Twenty-three men and twenty-three women (a chromosome reference?) packed into a fairly small room. First realisation: with everyone talking at once it's really loud in here and I can't hear half of what my date is saying! Second realisation: I'm actually not nervous now and I'm thinking of decent questions to ask (thank you internet suggestions) and avoiding the dreaded awkward silences. I can't hear some parts of my date's replies, but I'm hopeful that I'm catching enough words to make my response fit the context.
Those three-minute chunks of time mostly went by pretty quickly and before I knew it I'd had eleven speed dates and we were being told that the session was over. Wait - what about the other women? How does three times eleven equal fourty-five? We deserve more time! Nope - time for the next session to start, so get the hell out! Get back out there and spend the next six hours doing lock-and-key. I don't think so. I managed to get myself booked into a second speed dating session. I was honest about having just done one but the woman in charge let me book again - all's fair in love and war, right?
The start of the second session was pretty cool in that I knew exactly what was going to happen while most people didn't. I was explaining about the bell ringing and how to use the ratings/comments cards. I think some people thought I worked there! The staff must have decided to make the dates longer in this session because we only got seven this time. This almost caught me out occasionally because I was thinking "I can wind down here because the bell's about to come" and then it didn't. Oops.
So, after eighteen dates, what have I learned about speed dating?
1) Unless you're a natural at this kind of thing (and I'm not!) it really is helpful to have a bit of a look at possible questions beforehand. I'd even watched two sample YouTube videos - one example of a speed date going well and one going badly. It helped me to think more about what to expect. The link is here if anyone wants it.
2) Questions like "Where are you from originally?", "What do you like to do in your spare time?", "Where would you like to travel to?", "What's your favourite film?" are not hugely original but inevitably come up a lot and actually are helpful in getting an impression of someone in such a restricted amount of time.
3) The question of "What do you do for a living?" inevitably comes up too, but beware if (like me) you struggle to make your job sound interesting even to yourself, let alone to anyone else! Be ready give a brief answer and then bounce the question back to them or, if you already asked them first, to move on to another topic. Unless your job is quite interesting, of course. Then go for it. At least for 20 seconds.
4) If you can think of an original and clever question, people will remember you for it. Unfortunately I don't think I had one! But I remember somebody asking me what the most exciting thing I'd done in 2010 was. I thought that was a good one. Hence I can actually remember her answer when I asked the same question back to her!
5) If you can tell very quickly that you're really not going be to any kind of match with someone, don't be a jerk about it - don't check texts on your phone twice in a five-minute date (I'm looking at you here, date 18!) but do perhaps take the time to relax and reduce your focus slightly and think about how your last few dates have gone. I found that I had allowed the time pressure to suck me into asking similar questions every time and not finding time to step back and reconsider my approach.
6) The whole background noise thing was a big issue - it often is for me in bars and clubs (I don't think I'm hard of hearing but I find it difficult to unjumble speech from loud background noise) but other people were commenting on it too. Still, it does mean that you might end up leaning in to get closer to your date, which could work well, depending on whether they're starting to seem like someone you'd like to get closer to. If they're not then it probably doesn't matter anyway that you can't hear what they're saying!
7) If you're speed dating in a big cosmopolitan city like London (perhaps especially on New Year's Eve), not everyone there will actually be residents of London and/or planning to stay for very long. This makes perfect sense to me in day-to-day life but I hadn't thought it through in terms of the event, so I was quite thrown by hearing that some people there actually lived in a different country and were just visiting their friend and trying something new! Not that there's anything wrong with that.
So, of my eighteen dates, how many might I actually see again? It seems that I don't need to figure out the answer to that too quickly because the website still isn't ready to receive our Yes/Friend/No responses nearly three days after the event. But of course I've been pondering this question. To be honest, I didn't get a really strong sense of a connection with anyone. But maybe I'm expecting too much from three/four/five minutes. I'd be up for the possibility of seeing maybe seven or eight of them again just to see if we might click more with more time available, but it's a bit of a stretch to convince myself that it's likely. So I'll probably tick "Yes" to somewhere between zero and eight of my dates. Probably nearer eight, to keep an open mind.
After my second speed dating session finished it was 11pm and there were no more sessions to try to sneak into. To cap it off, they took our locks and keys away too! I actually said to one of the staff "So what do I do now?" - I think she thought I was joking but I really did feel a bit lost. Now we're practically just at a normal party! Not my strong suit - that's why I wanted to be speed dating! Ah well. First I catered to one of the hobbies I'd been mentioning throughout the dates - I went and devoured a load of the food which was being neglected in a quiet corner. Then after some rather quirky encounters I made my way to the main party room in time for midnight.
As the chimes of Big Ben came through the speakers I surveyed the room in front of me. The guys with a strong total score in the looks/charisma/assertiveness categories had paired off with smitten-looking women; most other guys were looking rather drunk and/or lost; most other women were dancing and taking photos of themselves with their female friends. Wait... is everyone sure this isn't just a normal nightclub?
I headed off not too long after that. I didn't fancy my chances from that point, with the music louder and the space more restricted (they'd shut off two out of three rooms) but I was pleased that I'd given speed dating a try and stepped outside my comfort zone (before allowing myself to head back into it soon after midnight!) and even after waiting for three days I'm still curious to see if anything comes of the post-event matching process - I'll let you know!
As I prepared to head out for the event I could feel that I was quite nervous. Had I still been getting nerves during my most recent first dates in early 2004? Can't remember. I felt calmer after imagining some funny scenarios for the evening in my head:
1) Remember how on the first day of school there's usually a kid crying and wanting to go home? We totally had one of those. OK, OK... it was me. They even let my dad stay for a while to help me overcome my fear. I imagined myself at the age of 31 running out of the speed dating session crying "I wanna go home!" - this thought helped me to put things in perspective!
2) ...or instead of running out I could have a tantrum on the floor. Hmm, might be messy - I'm a bit bigger now than when I was 5.
3) I tried to imagine questions which I might be asked on a speed date, then wondered how my date would react if I started answering with "er... pass." Somehow this seemed highly amusing to me when I first thought of it!
Having applied my dose of "what's the worst that could happen?" therapy, I headed off and arrived just before the start time of 7pm. I had images of queues snaking round the building (they were expecting 200-300 people and the actual speed dating parts of the night were first-come-first-served) but there were just three or four women waiting outside and no other men. I like these odds so far! I managed to start chatting and joking with the women, which isn't always something that comes easily to me, so it felt like I was off to a good start.
When 7pm arrived (along with a few men - d'oh!) we went inside to pick up our awaiting name badges (having previously filled in our details on the website) and to register for the speed dating sessions. I discovered that I'd misunderstood part of the brief description of the event. I thought that if the speed dating ran for three hours it meant that anyone who wanted to could speed-date for three hours. Not so. Their plan was to split the three hours into four sessions, with the assumption that each person would only be involved in one session. That's 45 minutes of speed dating in an event which runs for 8 hours!
The activity which would be running for the rest of the time would be a lock-and-key party - each woman was given a small padlock on a necklace, each man issued with a key, and the idea was to go around trying to find the lock which your key would open, or vice versa. Well, actually, the real idea was to use this activity as an icebreaker and then get to know people, but I'm sad to say that I lost sight of this for at least some of the evening and just wandered around asking to try my luck.
My speed dating session started at 8pm. Twenty-three men and twenty-three women (a chromosome reference?) packed into a fairly small room. First realisation: with everyone talking at once it's really loud in here and I can't hear half of what my date is saying! Second realisation: I'm actually not nervous now and I'm thinking of decent questions to ask (thank you internet suggestions) and avoiding the dreaded awkward silences. I can't hear some parts of my date's replies, but I'm hopeful that I'm catching enough words to make my response fit the context.
Those three-minute chunks of time mostly went by pretty quickly and before I knew it I'd had eleven speed dates and we were being told that the session was over. Wait - what about the other women? How does three times eleven equal fourty-five? We deserve more time! Nope - time for the next session to start, so get the hell out! Get back out there and spend the next six hours doing lock-and-key. I don't think so. I managed to get myself booked into a second speed dating session. I was honest about having just done one but the woman in charge let me book again - all's fair in love and war, right?
The start of the second session was pretty cool in that I knew exactly what was going to happen while most people didn't. I was explaining about the bell ringing and how to use the ratings/comments cards. I think some people thought I worked there! The staff must have decided to make the dates longer in this session because we only got seven this time. This almost caught me out occasionally because I was thinking "I can wind down here because the bell's about to come" and then it didn't. Oops.
So, after eighteen dates, what have I learned about speed dating?
1) Unless you're a natural at this kind of thing (and I'm not!) it really is helpful to have a bit of a look at possible questions beforehand. I'd even watched two sample YouTube videos - one example of a speed date going well and one going badly. It helped me to think more about what to expect. The link is here if anyone wants it.
2) Questions like "Where are you from originally?", "What do you like to do in your spare time?", "Where would you like to travel to?", "What's your favourite film?" are not hugely original but inevitably come up a lot and actually are helpful in getting an impression of someone in such a restricted amount of time.
3) The question of "What do you do for a living?" inevitably comes up too, but beware if (like me) you struggle to make your job sound interesting even to yourself, let alone to anyone else! Be ready give a brief answer and then bounce the question back to them or, if you already asked them first, to move on to another topic. Unless your job is quite interesting, of course. Then go for it. At least for 20 seconds.
4) If you can think of an original and clever question, people will remember you for it. Unfortunately I don't think I had one! But I remember somebody asking me what the most exciting thing I'd done in 2010 was. I thought that was a good one. Hence I can actually remember her answer when I asked the same question back to her!
5) If you can tell very quickly that you're really not going be to any kind of match with someone, don't be a jerk about it - don't check texts on your phone twice in a five-minute date (I'm looking at you here, date 18!) but do perhaps take the time to relax and reduce your focus slightly and think about how your last few dates have gone. I found that I had allowed the time pressure to suck me into asking similar questions every time and not finding time to step back and reconsider my approach.
6) The whole background noise thing was a big issue - it often is for me in bars and clubs (I don't think I'm hard of hearing but I find it difficult to unjumble speech from loud background noise) but other people were commenting on it too. Still, it does mean that you might end up leaning in to get closer to your date, which could work well, depending on whether they're starting to seem like someone you'd like to get closer to. If they're not then it probably doesn't matter anyway that you can't hear what they're saying!
7) If you're speed dating in a big cosmopolitan city like London (perhaps especially on New Year's Eve), not everyone there will actually be residents of London and/or planning to stay for very long. This makes perfect sense to me in day-to-day life but I hadn't thought it through in terms of the event, so I was quite thrown by hearing that some people there actually lived in a different country and were just visiting their friend and trying something new! Not that there's anything wrong with that.
So, of my eighteen dates, how many might I actually see again? It seems that I don't need to figure out the answer to that too quickly because the website still isn't ready to receive our Yes/Friend/No responses nearly three days after the event. But of course I've been pondering this question. To be honest, I didn't get a really strong sense of a connection with anyone. But maybe I'm expecting too much from three/four/five minutes. I'd be up for the possibility of seeing maybe seven or eight of them again just to see if we might click more with more time available, but it's a bit of a stretch to convince myself that it's likely. So I'll probably tick "Yes" to somewhere between zero and eight of my dates. Probably nearer eight, to keep an open mind.
After my second speed dating session finished it was 11pm and there were no more sessions to try to sneak into. To cap it off, they took our locks and keys away too! I actually said to one of the staff "So what do I do now?" - I think she thought I was joking but I really did feel a bit lost. Now we're practically just at a normal party! Not my strong suit - that's why I wanted to be speed dating! Ah well. First I catered to one of the hobbies I'd been mentioning throughout the dates - I went and devoured a load of the food which was being neglected in a quiet corner. Then after some rather quirky encounters I made my way to the main party room in time for midnight.
As the chimes of Big Ben came through the speakers I surveyed the room in front of me. The guys with a strong total score in the looks/charisma/assertiveness categories had paired off with smitten-looking women; most other guys were looking rather drunk and/or lost; most other women were dancing and taking photos of themselves with their female friends. Wait... is everyone sure this isn't just a normal nightclub?
I headed off not too long after that. I didn't fancy my chances from that point, with the music louder and the space more restricted (they'd shut off two out of three rooms) but I was pleased that I'd given speed dating a try and stepped outside my comfort zone (before allowing myself to head back into it soon after midnight!) and even after waiting for three days I'm still curious to see if anything comes of the post-event matching process - I'll let you know!
Sunday, 2 January 2011
My School Crush - Update
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about contemplating contacting My School Crush through Facebook to let her know what I never told her all those years ago. Thanks to everyone who commented and gave me suggestions as to how I might proceed. In the end I decided to send her a message, aiming to come across as light and friendly but also letting her know about my crush.
Brief sidetrack - I have a confession to make: not to her this time, but to those of you who read my blog. Now that I'm posting about the present day, rather than describing experiences which took place several years ago, I'm already finding that I don't want to go into too much detail about anything involving other people rather than just my own musings. I suspected that I would hit this dilemma if/when I started dating again but I've just hit it even sooner: while writing this post I was looking at my message to her and changing the exact words slightly as I transcribed it, but I realised that I felt uncomfortable even doing that. It's not like I told her that I have a blog which is openly available on the internet, so there was something which didn't feel right about posting anything too close to the actual message. I don't know if this makes much sense, but anyway: I'll post the brief summary which I mentioned in reply to a comment on my previous post.
So my message to her was along the lines of:
"How's it going? I remember you from maths lessons; Facebook lets me say what I never said - wanted to tell you I had a big crush on you; hope all is good with you." (But longer and hence less condensed.)
After sending the message I logged out of Facebook and came to write my previous blog post, mainly because I'd just booked myself to go speed dating on New Year's Eve (more on that next time) but partly to share the news that I'd sent the message. To be honest, I felt kind of proud of myself for sending it, kind of like I'd made amends for not plucking up the courage way back then. It didn't matter much whether anything came of it - at least I wouldn't spend any more time wondering whether to do it!
After posting my blog post I logged back onto Facebook briefly and was about to log off again when a message came through. Maybe... hopefully... yes!! She'd replied! That was my main hope: to know that my message had been received (this may be partly because some of my previous "blast from the past" messages had gone unanswered for a long time.)
Her message was really nice and friendly. She said that she remembered me, mainly for being great at maths, and that she thinks it's nice to hear about crushes. She indirectly and gently alluded to being engaged (fair enough) and then asked a bit about me and why I didn't turn out to be more of a high flyer (I get that a lot.)
Overall I was really pleased to get such a warm message from someone whom I thought might not even have remembered me. This fulfilled my main hopes for the whole endeavour. I think I may have given the impression in my original post that I was hoping to possibly date her - I really wasn't thinking along those lines. I mean, if her reply to me had revealed that she'd had a crush on me too and she longed for a reunion, well, I imagine that I would have been up for meeting for a drink, but at this point I'm aware that I didn't even know her that well back then and I don't know her at all now, so we might actually have been really incompatible. I can't tell how we'd get on from her profile - I can tell that I still think she's good-looking, but I walk past dozens of good-looking women every day whom I don't know. Do I want to go on dates with all of them? Actually yes, that sounds pretty good - but I wouldn't be expecting all of the dates to go well!
The next day I sent her a reply, commenting on what she'd written in her message and giving her more information about what I've been up to in recent years and asking the same about her. At this point it's been four days since then and I haven't heard back. She may have decided that she'd actually prefer not to share any more information, or maybe she's just been busy. Either way, I'm glad that I sent her the original message and got a nice reply.
Now, what challenge shall I set for myself next? Ah yes - I already did one - speed dating on New Year's Eve. I'll write an update soon - right now I'm still waiting for the company's website to allow us to enter our Yes/Friend/No responses. I know we're still kind of in a holiday period, but the longer they leave it the less we'll remember each other!
Brief sidetrack - I have a confession to make: not to her this time, but to those of you who read my blog. Now that I'm posting about the present day, rather than describing experiences which took place several years ago, I'm already finding that I don't want to go into too much detail about anything involving other people rather than just my own musings. I suspected that I would hit this dilemma if/when I started dating again but I've just hit it even sooner: while writing this post I was looking at my message to her and changing the exact words slightly as I transcribed it, but I realised that I felt uncomfortable even doing that. It's not like I told her that I have a blog which is openly available on the internet, so there was something which didn't feel right about posting anything too close to the actual message. I don't know if this makes much sense, but anyway: I'll post the brief summary which I mentioned in reply to a comment on my previous post.
So my message to her was along the lines of:
"How's it going? I remember you from maths lessons; Facebook lets me say what I never said - wanted to tell you I had a big crush on you; hope all is good with you." (But longer and hence less condensed.)
After sending the message I logged out of Facebook and came to write my previous blog post, mainly because I'd just booked myself to go speed dating on New Year's Eve (more on that next time) but partly to share the news that I'd sent the message. To be honest, I felt kind of proud of myself for sending it, kind of like I'd made amends for not plucking up the courage way back then. It didn't matter much whether anything came of it - at least I wouldn't spend any more time wondering whether to do it!
After posting my blog post I logged back onto Facebook briefly and was about to log off again when a message came through. Maybe... hopefully... yes!! She'd replied! That was my main hope: to know that my message had been received (this may be partly because some of my previous "blast from the past" messages had gone unanswered for a long time.)
Her message was really nice and friendly. She said that she remembered me, mainly for being great at maths, and that she thinks it's nice to hear about crushes. She indirectly and gently alluded to being engaged (fair enough) and then asked a bit about me and why I didn't turn out to be more of a high flyer (I get that a lot.)
Overall I was really pleased to get such a warm message from someone whom I thought might not even have remembered me. This fulfilled my main hopes for the whole endeavour. I think I may have given the impression in my original post that I was hoping to possibly date her - I really wasn't thinking along those lines. I mean, if her reply to me had revealed that she'd had a crush on me too and she longed for a reunion, well, I imagine that I would have been up for meeting for a drink, but at this point I'm aware that I didn't even know her that well back then and I don't know her at all now, so we might actually have been really incompatible. I can't tell how we'd get on from her profile - I can tell that I still think she's good-looking, but I walk past dozens of good-looking women every day whom I don't know. Do I want to go on dates with all of them? Actually yes, that sounds pretty good - but I wouldn't be expecting all of the dates to go well!
The next day I sent her a reply, commenting on what she'd written in her message and giving her more information about what I've been up to in recent years and asking the same about her. At this point it's been four days since then and I haven't heard back. She may have decided that she'd actually prefer not to share any more information, or maybe she's just been busy. Either way, I'm glad that I sent her the original message and got a nice reply.
Now, what challenge shall I set for myself next? Ah yes - I already did one - speed dating on New Year's Eve. I'll write an update soon - right now I'm still waiting for the company's website to allow us to enter our Yes/Friend/No responses. I know we're still kind of in a holiday period, but the longer they leave it the less we'll remember each other!
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
Returning To The Fray
I hope everyone has been having a nice holiday time however you've spent it. I've been enjoying spending time with my parents and brother over Christmas. However, I had been bereft of a plan for New Year's Eve. It's my first one as a singleton since 2003 but most of my friends are married and starting to have kids, or unavailable in some other way, so my options seemed to be:
1) Hang out at my parents' place despite the fact that nobody else will be there;
2) Return home and hang out at my flat, again with nobody else there;
3) Gatecrash my parents' friends' party and possibly be the only attendant under the age of 55.
I've spent NYE on my own before and in a way it was an interesting reflective experience, so I had been leaning towards option 2, but part of me wanted to be doing more as I'm pretty much back to full health again - I went to work for a week before Christmas and even managed not to miss our Christmas drinks evening. Happily, a conversation that very evening was the genesis for an alternative idea:
4) Go to a New Year's Eve Speed Dating party!
So that's the plan - restart my dating with a bang and solve my NYE conundrum at the same time. I've never been speed dating before but I've been interested in trying it. Does anyone have any speed-dating-related thoughts/advice/stories to share?
P.S. For readers of my previous post: I've sent a Facebook message to My School Crush. I aimed for light and upbeat but I did mention the crush within it. I'll let you know if I get a reply!
1) Hang out at my parents' place despite the fact that nobody else will be there;
2) Return home and hang out at my flat, again with nobody else there;
3) Gatecrash my parents' friends' party and possibly be the only attendant under the age of 55.
I've spent NYE on my own before and in a way it was an interesting reflective experience, so I had been leaning towards option 2, but part of me wanted to be doing more as I'm pretty much back to full health again - I went to work for a week before Christmas and even managed not to miss our Christmas drinks evening. Happily, a conversation that very evening was the genesis for an alternative idea:
4) Go to a New Year's Eve Speed Dating party!
So that's the plan - restart my dating with a bang and solve my NYE conundrum at the same time. I've never been speed dating before but I've been interested in trying it. Does anyone have any speed-dating-related thoughts/advice/stories to share?
P.S. For readers of my previous post: I've sent a Facebook message to My School Crush. I aimed for light and upbeat but I did mention the crush within it. I'll let you know if I get a reply!
Friday, 17 December 2010
My School Crush
Way back in my second post I wrote about my slow start to dating and interacting with girls/women in general, and I briefly mentioned the one girl whom I'd sat next to in school for any length of time - but to me at that time she was so much more than that. My imagination for blog nicknames must be faltering because I'm going to call her My School Crush.
I'd had other crushes at school, generally one per year. For the most part it was an enjoyable experience - I would feel a rush of excitement when I saw them and even more so if we had any kind of interaction. They would brighten up the day. My mind may have invented my attraction to them for exactly that purpose. I never told them or tried to get closer to them - I'm really not sure what I would have done had one tried to get closer to me.
My School Crush was the last of the lineage and started out in much the same way. I admired her from afar and assumed that this would be the extent of her involvement in my life. But times were changing. I was gradually changing - rather than being 11 or 12 I was 15 and starting to learn (later than most) that talking with girls wasn't such a strange thing to do. My School Crush happened to be in three of my classes - Maths, Science and Economics. I can't quite remember how it happened, but occasionally I must have actually talked with her and got to know her a bit. It probably helped that we had a Mutual Friend in the Economics class - a guy who was much more adept at socialising than I was.
But the big development was to come in our Maths class. Maths had always come quickly and naturally to me and I'd flown through it all the way through school. For the last few months of our two years together as a class, the teacher (who was very keen on maximising the exam marks of his classes) split the class into the Nine top-achieving-kids-to-push-even-more and Twenty-odd kids-who-would-do-OK-but-weren't-worth-bothering-with-too-much (maybe I'm doing him a disservice but it did seem a bit like that, particularly to a friend of mine in the Twenty section.) I was in the Nine and so was My School Crush. Before long I ended up sitting next to her and she would ask me questions about our work. Finally it was paying off to be good at Maths! Test scores and praises and prizes are one thing, but an attractive girl being interested in me (in some way at least) seemed rather more valuable at that point!
I wasn't normally a massive fan of school or of organised learning in general, but funnily enough I really looked forward to those lessons. I was lucky enough to be at a point where I didn't need to worry too much about the actual work and I could concentrate on soaking up this intoxicating new experience. The more time I spent with her, the more I liked her. This was uncharted territory for me - my distant crush was suddenly right up close and even more attractive than before. I had no idea what to do next. I needed more time. I really didn't want those last few months of Maths classes to come to an end. But, of course, they did.
The summer holiday came and went. I knew that our classes would be changing around completely on our return in September. I would be going into some kind of even-more-Maths class and I hadn't seen her at the induction for that. But as far as I knew we would both be taking Economics again (as would our Mutual Friend) and there were only to be two different Economics groups.
I bumped into My School Crush on our first day back and we compared timetables. Bad news - she and our Mutual Friend were in one class and I was in the other. I couldn't switch without changing my other subjects drastically. I still remember that moment of sinking realisation. She said "Well then, I guess I'll see you around." All I could think of to say in reply was "Yeah, see you around."
I did see her around occasionally, but less and less. I made an effort to speak with her at those times - it may have been obvious that I was trying a bit too hard to keep some kind of connection. It never really looked likely to work. I debated whether to tell her - without being quite sure what to say - but often she had a boyfriend, which made it seem inappropriate, and at other times I came up with other ways to talk myself out of it.
...but one day she and I were walking, just the two of us. We were walking through some kind of forest and we came to a clearing and I thought: I should tell her how I feel. Here and now. As we faced each other I started to speak but she simply put her finger up to my lips and said "I know." And then she kissed me. It was wonderful and I felt so full of happiness...
And then I woke up. Waking from that dream and realising that it hadn't actually happened left me in a bad mood for most of the following day. These days I like the idea of trying to enjoy having had the dream rather than begrudging reality, but at that time it felt like I'd just had my greatest wish granted and then almost instantly snatched away.
As time went by and I saw her less and less, the Out Of Sight Out Of Mind effect gradually took my thoughts away from her and readied me for the fact that we wouldn't be walking around the same school forever. By the time school finished I was ready to let go of My School Crush and free my attention for my impending move to university. Apart from a fleeting glimpse in a local shopping mall the following summer, I never saw her again.
...Well, I've never seen her in person again. But now it's 2010 and Facebook has firmly established itself as the way to sneak a peek at people from one's past. About six months ago I finally started to enter her name into the search box and was briefly shocked when Facebook flashed up her photo to me before I'd even finished! She doesn't have an unusual name - how on earth could Facebook know that out of all the possibilities in the world I was looking for her? Then I realised why it had given her priority: we've got a mutual friend - a different guy from our old Economics class. I haven't seen him since school either and I wouldn't claim to know him at this stage, but he sent me a friend request two years ago and I accepted (I had decided to accept any requests from people I'd known at some point even if we hadn't stayed in touch.) So that's how Facebook knew. I think I preferred the magical mystery actually.
So, here's what I'm wondering: I'm tempted to write to her and let her know that fifteen years ago I had a big crush on her and that she brightened my Maths lessons to the point where I wanted them to keep going. Would this come across as a nice thing to hear, or would it seem creepy? Of course, I could contact her and not mention any of this, at least at first, but that option doesn't appeal to me. I like the idea of using Facebook to say the things I never said to people in the past - I've already used it in that way several times (not in terms of confessing to crushes though.) I wouldn't be expecting great things to come from writing to her - I guess ideally I would be hoping for an acknowledgement of my message, and that would be fine. But I wouldn't want my message to be uncomfortable or worrying to read. What do you think? Nice message to receive or creepy guy giving too much information?
I'd had other crushes at school, generally one per year. For the most part it was an enjoyable experience - I would feel a rush of excitement when I saw them and even more so if we had any kind of interaction. They would brighten up the day. My mind may have invented my attraction to them for exactly that purpose. I never told them or tried to get closer to them - I'm really not sure what I would have done had one tried to get closer to me.
My School Crush was the last of the lineage and started out in much the same way. I admired her from afar and assumed that this would be the extent of her involvement in my life. But times were changing. I was gradually changing - rather than being 11 or 12 I was 15 and starting to learn (later than most) that talking with girls wasn't such a strange thing to do. My School Crush happened to be in three of my classes - Maths, Science and Economics. I can't quite remember how it happened, but occasionally I must have actually talked with her and got to know her a bit. It probably helped that we had a Mutual Friend in the Economics class - a guy who was much more adept at socialising than I was.
But the big development was to come in our Maths class. Maths had always come quickly and naturally to me and I'd flown through it all the way through school. For the last few months of our two years together as a class, the teacher (who was very keen on maximising the exam marks of his classes) split the class into the Nine top-achieving-kids-to-push-even-more and Twenty-odd kids-who-would-do-OK-but-weren't-worth-bothering-with-too-much (maybe I'm doing him a disservice but it did seem a bit like that, particularly to a friend of mine in the Twenty section.) I was in the Nine and so was My School Crush. Before long I ended up sitting next to her and she would ask me questions about our work. Finally it was paying off to be good at Maths! Test scores and praises and prizes are one thing, but an attractive girl being interested in me (in some way at least) seemed rather more valuable at that point!
I wasn't normally a massive fan of school or of organised learning in general, but funnily enough I really looked forward to those lessons. I was lucky enough to be at a point where I didn't need to worry too much about the actual work and I could concentrate on soaking up this intoxicating new experience. The more time I spent with her, the more I liked her. This was uncharted territory for me - my distant crush was suddenly right up close and even more attractive than before. I had no idea what to do next. I needed more time. I really didn't want those last few months of Maths classes to come to an end. But, of course, they did.
The summer holiday came and went. I knew that our classes would be changing around completely on our return in September. I would be going into some kind of even-more-Maths class and I hadn't seen her at the induction for that. But as far as I knew we would both be taking Economics again (as would our Mutual Friend) and there were only to be two different Economics groups.
I bumped into My School Crush on our first day back and we compared timetables. Bad news - she and our Mutual Friend were in one class and I was in the other. I couldn't switch without changing my other subjects drastically. I still remember that moment of sinking realisation. She said "Well then, I guess I'll see you around." All I could think of to say in reply was "Yeah, see you around."
I did see her around occasionally, but less and less. I made an effort to speak with her at those times - it may have been obvious that I was trying a bit too hard to keep some kind of connection. It never really looked likely to work. I debated whether to tell her - without being quite sure what to say - but often she had a boyfriend, which made it seem inappropriate, and at other times I came up with other ways to talk myself out of it.
...but one day she and I were walking, just the two of us. We were walking through some kind of forest and we came to a clearing and I thought: I should tell her how I feel. Here and now. As we faced each other I started to speak but she simply put her finger up to my lips and said "I know." And then she kissed me. It was wonderful and I felt so full of happiness...
And then I woke up. Waking from that dream and realising that it hadn't actually happened left me in a bad mood for most of the following day. These days I like the idea of trying to enjoy having had the dream rather than begrudging reality, but at that time it felt like I'd just had my greatest wish granted and then almost instantly snatched away.
As time went by and I saw her less and less, the Out Of Sight Out Of Mind effect gradually took my thoughts away from her and readied me for the fact that we wouldn't be walking around the same school forever. By the time school finished I was ready to let go of My School Crush and free my attention for my impending move to university. Apart from a fleeting glimpse in a local shopping mall the following summer, I never saw her again.
...Well, I've never seen her in person again. But now it's 2010 and Facebook has firmly established itself as the way to sneak a peek at people from one's past. About six months ago I finally started to enter her name into the search box and was briefly shocked when Facebook flashed up her photo to me before I'd even finished! She doesn't have an unusual name - how on earth could Facebook know that out of all the possibilities in the world I was looking for her? Then I realised why it had given her priority: we've got a mutual friend - a different guy from our old Economics class. I haven't seen him since school either and I wouldn't claim to know him at this stage, but he sent me a friend request two years ago and I accepted (I had decided to accept any requests from people I'd known at some point even if we hadn't stayed in touch.) So that's how Facebook knew. I think I preferred the magical mystery actually.
So, here's what I'm wondering: I'm tempted to write to her and let her know that fifteen years ago I had a big crush on her and that she brightened my Maths lessons to the point where I wanted them to keep going. Would this come across as a nice thing to hear, or would it seem creepy? Of course, I could contact her and not mention any of this, at least at first, but that option doesn't appeal to me. I like the idea of using Facebook to say the things I never said to people in the past - I've already used it in that way several times (not in terms of confessing to crushes though.) I wouldn't be expecting great things to come from writing to her - I guess ideally I would be hoping for an acknowledgement of my message, and that would be fine. But I wouldn't want my message to be uncomfortable or worrying to read. What do you think? Nice message to receive or creepy guy giving too much information?
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Impatience and Time Passing
I like to think of myself as quite a patient person in some respects. I'm willing to explain an idea to someone several times in different ways. I don't get too irate when public transport has a bad day. However, I'm not patient when it comes to my own incapacity or inability to do whatever I most feel like doing.
My break-up in May was not out of the blue - it had looked likely for months. It wasn't long after this before I felt the desire to be dipping a toe into the dating pool again. I wasn't kidding myself that I was ready for a full-on relationship yet but I thought that starting to have some kind of non-platonic encounters would help in the process of moving on. However, I was still "stuck" (as I saw it) living with my ex, and I didn't want to risk angering her by seeming to try to move on too quickly as if our relationship hadn't mattered to me, plus I thought that not many women would want to have any involvement with a guy living with his ex (and I have a compulsion towards honesty which meant I'd have been candid about my living situation if asked.)
Therefore I decided that I felt unable to date while living with my ex. This was one factor in my desire to get our house sold quickly. I had optimistically hoped to have it wrapped up in three months or possibly four. In the end it took six. Six months of my life spent in limbo.
But then I'd be free and ready, right? Unfortunately, my health had other ideas. I spent my first days of post-house sale freedom in hospital and I'm still recovering now. I'm not sure when I'll be back to full health and ready to think about trying out dating again. I know that I've been seriously ill and that I should be grateful to be pulling through, and I am, but part of me is just seeing this as more time passing by while I'm having to sit out on the sidelines.
I also know that it's a good idea to have a full and fulfilling life outside dating before going searching for a possible new relationship, and I can fully see the sense in that idea, but part of me just doesn't want to have to spend more time working on other parts of my life. It's OK as it is; the main thing which I want to change is my love life! But at the moment the days are still ticking by. How many more will slip past before I manage to be ready?
Does this resonate for anyone? Do you think in terms of days slipping by without managing to follow your desires? Or have you managed to maintain a more positive attitude to the passage of time?
My break-up in May was not out of the blue - it had looked likely for months. It wasn't long after this before I felt the desire to be dipping a toe into the dating pool again. I wasn't kidding myself that I was ready for a full-on relationship yet but I thought that starting to have some kind of non-platonic encounters would help in the process of moving on. However, I was still "stuck" (as I saw it) living with my ex, and I didn't want to risk angering her by seeming to try to move on too quickly as if our relationship hadn't mattered to me, plus I thought that not many women would want to have any involvement with a guy living with his ex (and I have a compulsion towards honesty which meant I'd have been candid about my living situation if asked.)
Therefore I decided that I felt unable to date while living with my ex. This was one factor in my desire to get our house sold quickly. I had optimistically hoped to have it wrapped up in three months or possibly four. In the end it took six. Six months of my life spent in limbo.
But then I'd be free and ready, right? Unfortunately, my health had other ideas. I spent my first days of post-house sale freedom in hospital and I'm still recovering now. I'm not sure when I'll be back to full health and ready to think about trying out dating again. I know that I've been seriously ill and that I should be grateful to be pulling through, and I am, but part of me is just seeing this as more time passing by while I'm having to sit out on the sidelines.
I also know that it's a good idea to have a full and fulfilling life outside dating before going searching for a possible new relationship, and I can fully see the sense in that idea, but part of me just doesn't want to have to spend more time working on other parts of my life. It's OK as it is; the main thing which I want to change is my love life! But at the moment the days are still ticking by. How many more will slip past before I manage to be ready?
Does this resonate for anyone? Do you think in terms of days slipping by without managing to follow your desires? Or have you managed to maintain a more positive attitude to the passage of time?
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